Have you ever been at a “loss for words?” Then think of an appropriate response long after the topic has ended? Or worse, say something totally stupid because you couldn’t put your thoughts into the right words? We’ve all said the wrong thing at some time or another, or didn’t say the right thing at the right time.
Conversation can be tricky, especially if you are in sales and trying to “get something” from it. Even if you are not in sales, saying the appropriate thing is a challenge, there are so many dynamics to discourse it’s impossible to know exactly the “right” thing to say. Whether your intention is to persuade someone, or get to know them, or just learn how to have a rich conversation, these tips will help you bring mindfulness into the way you communicate with others.
- Be Agreeable
There is this concept that salespeople use: the “Yes, and. .” reply. Everyone wants to hear a yes, they want their ideas validated. If people perceive that you agree, they are willing to open up. This doesn’t mean you have to be a push-over or pretender, it just means that people want your affirmation. Agreeing with someone is not necessarily condoning what they say, but by saying yes, you are acknowledging and validating what they say.
Even if you really disagree, replying with a “Yes, and. . ” allows conversation to continue flowing, rather than putting an abrupt end or sudden change on the topic. If you refute what someone says, their cognitive receptors shut down and they are less likely to be open to you. While communicating, respond with “yes.” People like being agreed with, it is easier to get what you want by being agreeable. Saying “yes” to others validates their feelings. After you acknowledge their insights by saying yes, you may add “and . .” to express your feelings on the situation.
“A good conversation–and sale–is a series of yesses. There is always something you can ‘yes’ to. Find it, follow it with ‘and,’ and you will keep your conversation flowing.”
- Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
This is Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit of Highly Effective People. If you’re like most people, you innately seek first to be understood. In other words, you want to get your point across. Most of us “listen” in one of four ways: we ignore, we pretend to listen, we listen to only parts of what is said (especially only the parts we can directly relate to), or sometimes we actively listen. Active listening is the path to understanding. Active listening means setting aside our busy minds and truly engaging with the speaker. Maybe we ask questions, or maybe we truly ponder what is said.
Gain respect from people by honestly trying to understand them, being understood makes people feel safe. Confirm what you understand by repeating it back to them, once they feel like you heard them, they will open up and try to understand you.